Congress to Give $1,200 to Most Americans, But Only in Nickels

WASHINGTON—Late in the day on Wednesday, the U.S. House and Senate finalized a deal to send more than 75% of Americans $1,200 in cash. The deal also included $600 for children, or those 17 and under, to relieve parents who make less than $99,000 a year (or double that for couples). However, Republicans and Democrats alike were surprised to learn that the checks are not likely to be sent out before May. In fact, they’re not likely to be checks at all.

Kansas Senator, Pat Roberts, author of the “Nickel Provision".

“Somehow, a provision slipped in, and many of us didn’t catch it,” said House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, “It’s regrettable, but the Off Track Betting near my house only takes nickels, so at least I can throw down on some ponies.” The provision in question was an addendum to an amendment, snuck in by none other than outgoing Kansas Senator, Pat Roberts. In short, it states that the cash provided for lower and middle-class Americans must be delivered in the form of nickels. Asked about the reasoning behind his addition to the stimulus bill, 83 year-old Roberts responded, “Right now, the most important question in my mind is ‘can we help all Americans?’ And, just as important - since when did people stop paying with nickels? This bill addresses both issues.”

When asked whether or not President Trump would sign the bill, even with the “Nickel Provision,” White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows gave it a glowing review. “This is a great bill that’s going to help a lot of good, hardworking Americans,” Meadows responded, then singling out the amendment, “I love the sound of pocket change as people pass me! They’re like tiny maracas, and now everyone is going to be a musician.” Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin had instructed the U.S. Mint to begin printing, “as many nickels as humanly f***ing possible” in anticipation of the President’s signature.

At the top of the issues with Roberts’ amendment was the shipping. “$1,200 in nickels is 264lbs. How are we supposed to ship that to 75% of the U.S. population?” said a sweat-drenched Megan Brennan, U.S. Postmaster General, “What the hell are they going to do with them anyway? You can’t even use them for laundry.” Perhaps the most surprising aspect to the bill change, however, was the enthusiastic support from former Vice President Joe Biden: “Do I support the amendment? What are you crazy? When I was a kid I would’ve gone nuts for a bag of nickels that size. Can you imagine the looks on those kids’ faces when they open up that sack of nickels? Man, that’s like Christmas morning. God bless.”